I have been sitting here for over an hour and there is still no sign of him. The clarity of absence through this glass is taking a toll on me. The street seems foggy, shallow and empty without him. Does this have something to do with me? Has he finally figured out that I like him, no, that is a light word, I should go with love but I know that that’s not correct either? The appropriate word is obsessed but I am not going to use it, not today, but I will, someday. Why is he not coming? Why does everything that I desire ghost me? I need something or someone to blame, I have played that game and it is more burdensome than anything else. I had promised myself at the beginning of this year that I would not lie to myself. Lie, I would but not to myself. You see, everyone lies, small or big and it was my promise to myself, those are the best ones, that I would speak the truth, the unvarnished naked truth and it now seems that my fears have been true. He knows that I see him, he might not know about the frequency but he does know. Your dreams always tell about the future they say. I see him in my dreams. I build a world of my own in my dreams with him. A world where nothing is important but him. A world where I live my life in his arms.
I wanted to talk to him for the last six months ever since I was diagnosed and limited myself, by choice I must add, to my room; dancing with words and playing mind games where I cuddle him, make love to him and stare at him while all he has is sheer admiration in those light brown eyes. Maybe he has found out about my nefarious plans and thought it best to avoid me today. To see if I would wait for tomorrow, to see if I would persist in my confession. Who knows what tomorrow would bring? Light, darkness, something in between; nausea, confusion, or maybe just maybe disgust. Disgust, that is, for me by me not him, no, never him. He is too innocent for that. C’mon Stranger, come out, there is still time, and there is still a possibility. Time is a strange thing. Some say it’s linear while others say it is circular. Seems linear to me but I wish it was circular, I wish I could go back, live it over, another breakfast, another sunset, more breathing. How attractive can breathing be? On its own, it doesn’t seem noticeable but it is, it would be if you were me, oh the burden. Time seems to have stopped, no sounds of life, no sights of life.
I wish you were beside me, your fingers running through my hair, your eyes communicating to me, the love, the kindness, no language, just your eyes and mine, the harmony, the peace, and some semblance of acceptance. Language, some say is the window of your personality, and half of your beauty comes from the way you speak, but it is, however, unfortunately, the brutal weapon created by humankind. All the woes and sufferings are caused only by words. Words have a robust power. They can heal and destroy you both at the same time. I don’t believe in this merciless power of words. I believe in the power of dark deep eyes. The moments of nothingness attract me. I wish I could have done this earlier. I wish I had more courage, and more initiative, to come to you, stop you, make you listen to what I had to say, make you realize that like, love, and obsession are small words, carrying small meanings.
Yes, I know they carry deep meanings, but for me, they are not the words I need right now. I need some loaded words with loaded meanings to formulate a loaded sentence. But How can I do that in his absence? How can I tell, not tell, at least write that I can not live without him? I wish I could live, talk, walk, laugh, and do everything with you and for you that brings laughter and smiles to your face. I would cry for you but not with you and not make you cry either. I hate this word I want you to be happy, to be loved. It seems your happiness is somewhere else but mine is you, in you, and with you. Everyone seems happy, but I don’t want you to be happy like them. They fake their happiness and it doesn’t last. I want you to be really happy.
I know I am sounding stupid but in love, one should like me and be stupid. And stupidity is a strange concept, only those who love or waiting for their lovers to come can understand it. I wish we were together, I wish you were here, sitting by my side, hands in hands, looking at me with your dark, deep, and communicating eyes. I could find my peace in those eyes. But these feelings of dread overwhelmed me, made me doubt, made me question myself, I felt like an object to your subject, to your transcendence. The eyes are closing, it is time to say farewell, I wish you were to keep me company, oh the regrets. I don’t believe in a life without regrets. I sometimes, at night, looking at the stars, think that how boring it would be without regrets. To say there are no regrets in life is to just fool yourself. Regrets attract me. No, I should say, regrets attract me if he is concerned. And he is concerned every second of my life.
