“Giving is so simple and so incredibly fulfilling. Receiving, on the other hand, calls for a delicate balancing act of self-awareness and kindness if it is to be successful.”
Henry Miller considered the delicate balance of giving and receiving and concluded, “It’s only when we demand that we get hurt.” Demands are the metastases of desires. Learning to accept our needs without putting demands on them is the first step toward healing because longing is a distinguishing characteristic of human life.
There is nothing more nourishing to the soul than that which comes unasked for and is freely accepted. But ironically, it’s when we’re receiving that we stumble the most since it takes a lot of trust and vulnerability to receive. The focus of genuine thankfulness is what is received, not what is offered. Thus, any sense of thankfulness — our greatest source of thanksgiving — precedes the art of receiving.
That is what John Steinbeck investigates in one of the countless brilliant passages that pepper The Log from the Sea of Cortez, his remarkably perceptive meditation on how to think more effectively and recognize the larger pattern beneath the details.
In reference to a guy who was so skilled at receiving that “everyone felt wonderful” when they gave him something, Steinbeck writes:
“Giving is among our list of subpar virtues and may be the most overrated. Giving increases the giver’s sense of self-worth, elevating him above and above the receiver. Giving is almost always a selfish pleasure, and in many instances, it is a vile and destructive act. One simply needs to think of some of our wolfish financiers who spend the first two-thirds of their lives pushing society back and the last one-third clawing fortunes out of it. Theorizing that their charitable giving is a form of scaring reparation or that their natures alter when they have enough is insufficient. A nature like this can never have enough, and nature doesn’t change very easily. I believe that both situations share the same impulse. Philanthropy may be another form of spiritual greed because giving can produce the same sensation of superiority as receiving.”
This criticism of the greed of charity is countercultural, especially in our culture of virtue-signaling and performative altruism. But only by recognizing this specific way of being ourselves can we start to see the beauty of its mirror image in the art of receiving, which is more tender and true because it necessitates the exorcism of the ego rather than its exercise.
Steinbeck explains:
“Giving is so simple and yet incredibly gratifying. On the other hand, if it is done correctly, receiving calls for a delicate balancing act between self-awareness and generosity. It calls for tact, humility, and an excellent grasp of interpersonal connections. Although you must be wiser to do it successfully, you cannot appear to be better, stronger, or wiser than the giver when you are receiving.” To accept, one needs self-esteem—not self-love, but rather a good acquaintance with and affection for oneself.
