A close observation of the cultural norms and the results portrayed by the survey dictate how the topic of marriage is not given its due importance. According to the survey, 58.7% of parents did not speak in detail about the importance of nikkah/marriage before their children were married. In contrast, it continues to be one of the favorite topics for family gatherings, with some jokes, and more anecdotes by elders about the burdens and sacrifices that came their way in marriage. What’s important to ponder upon is the fact that we deem it necessary to educate our children about every little thing in life so they can make proper decisions and have the correct information when the time comes. However, eastern households seem to pay minimum head in imparting ideas that stress the significance of relationships and marriage before their progeny begins.
Moreover, it is essential that parents do their research before initiating a conversation with their children so they’re well equipped to answer a growing mind’s questions. In a utopian state, these conversations must not be a one-time discussion around the time when a child is about to get engaged or married, but rather shall be a continual conversation since the day they hit puberty. Simple discussions from the beginning lay a strong foundation, and then in later times, more relevant information can be added to these conversations about what life beholds. From this point onwards, the article shall discuss the contents that are kept under a veil based on the data collected from the engaged/married individuals who wanted to fill in the survey.
Marriage is about being on the same team Parents shall, from the beginning, inculcate the notion of harmony and being on the same page as the core essence of marriage. Simultaneously, it is crucial to understand that being on the same page does not necessarily mean that the two individuals cannot have differing opinions; this is a good thing since it allows for perspective growth on an issue. The idea that needs to be worked upon and taught well is that no one is better than the other, but they both can conquer the world if they work together incoherence. No gender shall bad-mouth, bash or demean or degrade the work carried out by the other, even jokingly. Children are great observers and they learn by example. Seeing their parents deal with relationships and circumstances while growing up lays the reflex foundation in them, so it is vital that parents base their relationship on the same values they want to teach their children, of living life with cordial relationships. (Becca, 2021)
It is time we let go of cultural norms which aren’t helpful. While we continue to take inspiration from the western world in terms of entertainment and fashion, it’s time we pick up the method of dividing household chores between partners. The research carried out by Pew Research Center in the US also dictates how couples see it as vital to share household chores and aim to split them evenly. 58% of the respondents of the survey also felt that the habit of sharing household chores should be adopted in eastern culture, and similar to girls, boys should also be encouraged from an early age to take part in basic cleaning and cooking since these are life skills and should not be squared as gender roles. Considering how individuals deem to act upon what they learned as children, this early training can play a pivotal role in refining their relationships. (SHERMAN, n.d.)
Furthermore, our results from the survey also showed that this habit of sharing household chores should be a part of our culture as well (58% of the respondents are in favor that boys should also participate in household chores). Parents in our society should emphasize boys the same way they do girls to learn household chores. When they involve girls from an early age, they should involve boys as well to take part in doing some of the chores in an age-appropriate way.
The above arguments can also resolve the problem stated in the second question of the survey (attached at the end)- according to 62.7% of the respondents male partners give more respect to female partners who earn money than those who choose to be housewives. The identifiable cause of this thought process is male partners being unaware of the difficulty and amount of effort that goes into managing household chores since they have never performed those themselves. The common rebuttal argument presented by male partners is how they saw their mothers do the same without lodging any complaints, without taking into account the contextual changes that have occurred over the last decades. The woman of the past was socially conditioned into believing that it is her sole duty to perform all household tasks diligently without asking for extra help, but increased awareness has changed this mindset. To the men who consider housework has an easier job, perhaps they should try doing it themselves for a week without any domestic help; this might offer them a chance to reflect upon their thoughts.
The irony is that these men perhaps never even enquired from their mothers of the effort she puts in daily, left alone appreciated her following suit of their fathers who considered it as mere routine work. Also, as Muslims, we must seek lessons of living a successful married life from the Seerah of the Prophet(PBUH). The Sunnah provides active evidence of how he used to actively take part in household chores to divide the burden of his partner. Furthermore, the power of positive reinforcement must not be underestimated. Even if partners cannot help each other out in their fields of work in any capacity, acknowledgment and appreciation for your partner’s contributions make a huge difference, similar to how a simple thank you goes a long way at times.
Haq Mehr/Dowr
Haq Mehr is considered one of the crucial decisions that two families take, still only 57.3% of respondents seek knowledge about the nitty gritty of it. The clauses that deal with Haq mehr on the nikkah nama are from 13-16. It is perhaps not just a gift a husband gives to his wife in their marriage; it is a condition on which a relationship between a male and female is set to be halal. Haq Mehr can be in the form of cash, property, or jewelry. In this area of discussion, we see two perspectives:
(1) Islam’s Perspective
According to Islam, it is the right given to the bride to set the amount of Haq Mehr as per her wish, since this may act as a security for her in case of any unusual occurrence. There should be no active influence on the bride’s decision from the parents or the family, and it shall only be decided between the bride and the groom before the marriage. Decisions on these trivial matters shall be finalized beforehand since delaying them till the marriage day has often resulted in clashes and set the families’ reputation at stake. Additionally, our religion instructs the groom that it is appropriate that he shall handover the mehr to the bride willingly on the day of the marriage as Allah says in Surah al-Nisa, “Give to the women their agreed dowers [willingly]….” (4:4) and “…as an obligation….” (4:24). And if is unable to do so, then an approximate time period shall be communicated.
Islam has set no limit for the haq mehr but it instructs that it shall be according to the financial position of the groom. The ayat no. 236 from Surah Baqrah supports this argument. The ayat says: “There is no blame on you if you divorce women without touching them until their mehr is fixed. Give them something they will benefit from. The wealthy according to his means and the straitened in circumstances according to his means, provision them if you want to behave respecting the good. This is a duty on the good-doers.” (2:236)
Another ayat from the Quran (Surah Nisa ayat no. 20) states that there is no limit to giving mehr. The ayat says: “And if you decide to divorce a wife in order to take another, do not take away anything of what you might have given the first one, even if you had given her a cantar (i.e. a great amount) of gold. Would you take it back by slandering her and committing a manifest offense?” (An-Nisa/ The Women 4:20)
Moreover, we should know that ‘Mehr’ and ‘dowry’ are two different things. While ‘dowry’ is a set cultural norm to offer gifts to the groom’s family and relatives, mehr in its entirety is meant for the woman herself. Islam has commanded the mehr to be mandatory and has absolutely prohibited and disliked dowry being asked forcefully or otherwise. (Quran, 2009)
(2) Society’s Perspective
The set common cultural notion does not deem it appropriate to give the bride the right of demanding mehr with free will, presenting the argument that she possesses limited knowledge about financial aspects of life. Even if this argument is considered valid, the bride has the right to sit in the discussion where her future security is being set. The survey results also showed how the majority – 66%% of respondents – feel that parents should not be the only ones to be deciding on the amount of mehr. As discussed above, Islam instructs the groom to offer their entirety of the mehr on the day of the marriage; however, the society has changed the concept making it a due payment, and in most cases, only paid at the time of the divorce which is major wrongdoing.
Nowadays, marriages are led with extraordinary ceremonies, sangeet, and qawali shows with lavish spending of money. The top priority should be given to the payment of Haq mehr on spot, but this is not the case. Instead, if someone pays Haq Mehr on the spot, the amount is so low that a reasonable person who hears it goes into a state of shock because the mehr is not satisfying the amount of show off, here they forget the saying of Allah from Surah Al-Nisa “And give the women (on marriage) their mehr generously.” (4:4). (Arshad, 2015)
Column No. 17 & 18 of Nikkah Nama
The bride and groom who read their nikkah nama before signing it often ask why these two sections are omitted without them asking. The survey conducted showed that 45.5% of the couples don’t read nikkah nama before signing it, which is huge and are a shocking number in an educated society, 54.4% of couples read nikkah nama and 19.6% out of 54.4% notice that section 17 & 18 are omitted from it. Unfortunately, in the matters where money is involved in a legal contract, we study it twice or thrice before signing it but where the lives of two people or in our culture where the lives of two families are at the stake we don’t bother to read the nikkah nama before signing it which is a legal contract in the light of Islam between the groom and bride.
Clause 17 allows the husband and wife to state their own terms. For example, if the bride feels she needs to clearly state there must not be any sort of domestic violence (which the religion also prohibits), she can state it in the clause. As a result, there will be a sort of penalty (specific amount of cash) if the parties fail to meet the stated terms. In the same way, the husband can put the conditions as well.
Clause 18 deals with the transfer of power of divorce to brides known as Talaq-e-Tafweez. Women can legally seek divorce from their husbands through clause 18. This clause allows women to take divorce from their husbands without the need to go to family court and legally demand it as she would have to when she seeks khula. No evidence of this clause could be found in the Islamic Law, but with the agreement of Fuqahas it is added in the nikkah nama, keeping in mind the state of justice and family courts in our country and the toxic masculinity of some of the males of the society. However, it is important to note that this transfer of power of divorce is up to the groom’s discretion; hence, it is preferable to talk about the clauses before the marriage date.
It can be concluded that it is the utter lack of awareness and narrow-mindedness of the society that they hesitate to discuss clause 17 and 18 before marriage, Reflecting it as separation settlement even before the relationship has begun, not understanding how settling these terms help avoidance of any future disputes. (Naveed, 2016)
Concept of Talaq / Divorce / Separation
The survey showed that 56.7% of the respondents did not bother to learn about their right to divorce, which is disturbing. It is synonymous with signing a legal business contract before seeking knowledge about how to quit appropriately if needed and the consequences if you violate or cancel the contract. While this number only reflects educated individuals who choose to remain unaware, one would not want to fathom the numbers that would go around in illiterate circles.
Such is the irony that the majority of Muslim men do not know the procedure of giving Talaq in accordance with the Quran and Ahadith. Repeating the word, Talaq, thrice makes their spouse haram them, and it shall not be carried out in this manner. Once the deed is done, these men run after the clergy to somehow gain fatwah so they can reunite with their spouse who they had pronounced talaq in moments of anger. A little research on their part would highlight that a consensus of Ummah carried out in the period of Hazrat Umer (RA), the second caliph that the word talaq said three times in senses or not in senses (i.e. in state of anger) is a done deed and cannot be reversed.
If Quran and Hadith are studied with due diligence, one shall know that it is strictly instructed to men to say the word just once and wait for the reconciliation period of 3 months. During this period, if the couple cannot sort things out, they are separated legally in the light of Islam and are free to marry someone else. The interesting part here is that the majority is unaware (87.3% of respondents) that they can marry the same person even then with new nikkah nama and haq mehr because the word talaq has not been pronounced three times. Moving on with the argument, if the couple reconciles, then they can start living together again. Then hypothetically, the same situation comes around after 15-20 years, the same procedure goes on until the male partner uses his right of saying the word talaq the third time after which there will be no option of patching up and now they both can not marry one another as it is declared haram in Islam unless or until there is an automatic ha-lahla(explained in the ayat 230 of Surah Al-Baqrah below). Men are also instructed not to take back anything after divorce even if a woman takes khula, but if the woman has to set herself free from the man and give back something from her dower, she can. Adding to this, in the concept of khula, 92% of respondents are unaware that a woman can marry the same man again in the future when they both agree after the idat period of 1 month.
All of these instructions are given in the Surah Al-Baqrah, ayat no. 228-230 and 232 of Quran. The ayat says: “Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise.” (2:228)
“Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honor or released in kindness. And it is not lawful for you that ye take from women aught of that which ye have given them; except (in the case) when both fear that they may not be able to keep within the limits (imposed by) Allah. And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case, it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransoms herself. These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah’s limits: such are wrong-doers.” (2:229)
“And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorces her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge.” (2:230)
“And when ye have divorced women and they reach their term, place not difficulties in the way of their marrying their husbands if it is agreed between them in kindness. This is an admonition for him among you who believeth in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous for you, and cleaner. Allah knoweth; ye know not.” (2:232) (urdupoint, n.d.)
Meanwhile, during the reconciliation period, women are instructed not to leave their spouse’s house, and males are advised not to ask their spouses to leave the house to increase the chances of reconciliation. Moreover, some conditions are also set by Allah in which a male should not give Talaq to his spouse, which it should not be done at a peak moment of anger or if the woman is expecting a baby.
In a marital relationship, men are at a disadvantage in the situation of divorce in terms of the financial aspect, so women who choose to get married should set their mehr to a reasonably high amount (i.e. not overlooking the instructions that the religion has given to them) keeping in mind the financial position of the groom. Then the groom will overthink his right of giving divorce and critically analyze his financial position after the incident.
Here is what needs to be understood, Allah has set certain bounds and rules to ensure that the institute of marriage remains intact, which further builds up the society. It is the people who do not put in the effort to educate themselves and critically analyze consequences before committing certain deeds which are irreversible. Conclusively, the perfect avoidance of these issues is to give a realistic perspective of marriage to our children and to set a standard example such that they see love, care, support, and a nurturing environment synonymous with marriage. They are taught
